i don’t know if i ever, ever said i was getting better, feeling more at ease with the thought of being alive (and almost not being able to change this). i felt it though. i have been feeling pretty good about this whole “being alive” thing and i actually even wanted to be alive. funny, right?
but this entry isn’t a happy, recovery one. summer break has been — for the lack of a better word — amazing. i have felt so at ease and free without having to deal with school and keeping up with being fake and just using people for 13 weeks. however, just a few weeks ago, i have been getting anxious about starting year 2 and all that stupid first day of school jitters. it doesn’t help that a certain someone always makes me want… to die. i know it sounds as though i am being a whiny baby, but try having someone you always argue with, even in the car during a one minute car ride. every single day. it’s like trying to pick a fight just, because.
i honestly don’t know how to deal. i feel so happy to have my days consumed by work and spending whatever remaining time with friends, just so i don’t need to be home. it is more tiring to bite my tongue and not argue and try to be the bigger person but i am not such a person and i just want to explode. i want to argue, too. i want to be able to fight back and argue and not lose anything. i want to be in control and not always be controlled by you.
i am so fucking tired of being here, i wish i could tell you but if i did i would make you feel “bad” about being such a parent and then i’d have to spend the next lifetime trying to make amends and trying to make you feel better about being this controlling little prick.
i am sorry for typing such harsh sentences but they hold so much truth and i am a little bit high and i don’t think this would hurt anyone i just needed to get it out.