not-so-nice things / feelings:
- as of 5:02pm, i have not spoken today.
- yesterday / early this morning, i lost a friend who used to be close. i don’t know how to handle passive aggressiveness. so i removed her right after seeing something directed at me which said i never ever replied (but this implies that she initiates; let’s just say it isn’t exactly the case). it also said that she is tired of being “second place” in my life, which really made me question: how do i rank my friends, i don’t think i do. i find it normal to tell different people different aspects of my life and not dump every single shit on a single someone, just in case the person can’t handle or leaves. but in any case, it also implies that she puts me first, which, wow, let’s just say i’ve never felt more replaced before.
- i know i should feel something about point 2, but i don’t and it scares me because it means i will end up being a mess one day when shit feelings hit the ceiling.
- uni changes people and most of the time, change fucks people up.
- i spent the whole of last night listening to jonghyun’s song, lonely, and it made me cry so much. the mv was a literal slap in my face, and when i moved on to watching jonghyun and taeyeon’s live version on you hee-yeol’s sketchbook, my heart ached so deeply when i focused on his expressions and pain. it was pain. clear as fucking day but no one noticed. then again, it may be hindsight bias.
- i want to tell you things but i don’t want to burden you at all. i’m trying to hold myself back and it’s difficult; it would be easier if you ditched me or something, then i wouldn’t feel a thing for a while.
- i don’t know how not to rely on people anymore. i used to be better at that and it was easier to get through life because i couldn’t feel anything when i lost people. now i depend so much on people it scares me. i just want to be alone and not crave to hang out with some people.
- because, people leave. evidently from point 2.
kinda-nice things / feelings:
- yesterday, i spent the entire evening with a very beautiful individual and i can safely say that she is one of the few people who makes me feel like i’m home. when someone isn’t afraid to do things that may cause them to be ridiculed, when someone tells you she trusts you with her thoughts and when someone gives the safest, warmest hugs — i think i am the luckiest person on earth.
- i might have met someone who calms the storms in my head, even though the person doesn’t know it. quiet is nice, for a change. i can only hope the person enjoys my presence.
- having people who appreciate my playlist.
- being in bed and drinking cold black coffee while it’s raining outside.