this is probably the last time i am going to be writing as a 19-year-old but to be very honest, i feel that i am turning twenteen, not twenty. then again, when the time comes, i have to act the part. so here is what is going on in this 19-year-old heart, and mind.
6 years ago i told someone i loved her but she said she did not know how to love me back. my fragile 14-year-old heart was broken but i was so deeply immersed in this unrequited love, i could not unlove and move on. the 4 years spent on this one-sided affection were probably the most trying and depressing years of my life, but at the same time, they are years i will always want to remember, and re-live, if i ever have the chance. i learnt so much from one of the most selfless souls i have ever met (and maybe, will ever meet), and i saw an ugly reflection of my own selfishness. i think i will never get to properly apologize for only caring about how i felt and disregarding your feelings entirely. it does not make sense for me to say i love you and yet not consider your feelings — sometimes this makes me question if i really did love you. but i am going to put it out here and say that i did, i think i really, really did. i was heart all-in, mind all-in and that left me no room for accepting failure, or mis-timing or everything else. i just wanted to say thank you, for sticking around all these years, for gifting me with one of the rarest and most genuine friendships i will ever receive in my entire life. even though we lost touch along the way, you will always be the one i let in to my very private life, the one i will always try my best to be there for, no matter what happens, and the one i will always love.
3 years ago i told someone i loved him and he loved me back. little did i know i was actually using him to get over someone else and that made me feel like a true blue asshole. i was taught what it truly meant to love someone without holding back even when the person treats you like absolute crap. i was extremely blessed for the 9 months — random presents, random notes, notes and snacks for an entire month (september) because he knew i was not so okay with being alive and celebrating my existence. every day he told me that he loved me and i felt it and i said it back until one day it hit me like a fucking train; the day i said i loved him but did not mean it was the day i distanced myself from him. do not get me wrong, i did not do it for him, i did it for me because i could not handle the fact that i was such a cruel, selfish jerk for using him. i am sorry for all the hurt i caused you; i do not think i will ever be able to repay you in any way. but thank you, for loving me, so much, so hard, through the good and especially the bad. thank you so much for loving me — i really needed it back then, i think you were part of the reason why i did not kill myself.
a little less than a year ago, i told someone i loved her and she loved me back. we saw each other almost every single day and it got too tiring and suffocating because i treasure my alone time. it was during this time i learnt that the act of trying to love someone (and only focusing on loving someone) despite disapproval from close friends, will get you nowhere. sometimes, both parties loving each other is not enough. it is not right to ignore advices from close friends, because when you do, you are telling them that their friendships are of less importance. but that should not be the case because they have seen you through other milestones in your life and never left. it should have been a really painful lesson though, but i am beginning to think that i do not have the capacity to really love anyone genuinely without an ounce of selfishness. i typed a long text and ended the relationship just like that. i did not feel anything for quite a while, until i started drinking and getting drunk and realizing that all the suppressed feelings finally found their way out of me. i was constantly a drunken mess, but i am okay now. i still am a mess, but for a different reason and i will only let myself believe it is due to an admiration on my part.
love has not been all that easy, and i am beginning to think that maybe it is not for me.