i’ve been stress smoking the past 3-4 days here in cambodia and that just seems so weird. how can anyone feel stress in such a laidback community; but here i am painting my lungs black. it feels different, staring at the night sky filled with stars and taking a puff right before sleeping. it calms me. especially after reflection night 3 days ago. the headaches from having caffeine withdrawal aren’t helping either. they started off pretty… mild and bearable, up until yesterday when it felt like a bloody elephant stampede in my head.

but i’ve digressed. i began this entry because i can’t fall back asleep since i’ve been thinking about the one viewer from cambodia on this space of mine. it scares me, really. stresses me out. i just… want or need some quiet.

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half a year ago i would have been very troubled by the fact that every member in my family sleeps in separate rooms now. it’s been a week, i think. but hey, i don’t even feel the least bit disturbed anymore. i think there comes a point in time where you simply just give up on hoping things get better, or less dysfunctional. i know that if this happened half a year ago, i would have probably teared a little at night — it was when i was filling pages of a scrapbook and wrote about having a little more faith in my family.

right now it doesn’t even bother me. because honestly, what good would it do to be affected by this nonsense; i don’t even know what a family should be like. you know how some people have such strong opinions against divorce because it doesn’t align with the social construct of marriage — i’m glad they don’t see the need for divorce, really, because everyone says that it tears the family apart, and it is best if no one ever sees the need for it. but, honestly, what’s the point of keeping a family together when there is nothing to hold together in the first place? i’m just feeling so angsty about this because of something pastor said; and i know, he probably didn’t mean for his words to have a negative impact… i was just bitter that moment and his words stuck on. just because a couple ends up in a divorce, doesn’t mean they didn’t try (hard enough) to work things out or that they are hurting the people around them; and just because a couple refuses to divorce, doesn’t mean they can work things out or that they aren’t hurting anyone.

this family is exhausting being alive is exhausting i just want finals to be over and to be out of this place for 2 weeks.

[conversation earlier this week]

mom: what to do, before marrying him, he never showed this side before. after marrying he became like that. that’s why it’s important to pray for a good man to come by, i’ve been praying for you.
me: yeah, well you shouldn’t have gotten married. i don’t need a man. i’m never going to get married.

 

it only hurts if you let it get to you

truth is, it hasn’t been an easy month. (wow, it seems i keep saying the same thing in every post, regardless of it being about school or life.) the past couple of weeks have been exhausting as usual, but i think i was grateful to be swamped with work, work, and more work just so i could escape other aspects of reality i did not want to face. and still don’t want to face.

study week has been… pointless. i tried to study for finals while going for group meetings and rushing a project. there were so many nights i couldn’t fall asleep (read — still attempting to fall asleep when i hear my parents’ alarms), and on one day i only woke up at 3pm. that was the only day i actually slept in, or rather, i turned my phone off so i wouldn’t get any notifications. other days i fell asleep at around 5am / 6am and woke up by 9am, which isn’t normal for me at all, considering how exhausted i have been and was in need of sleep but i just couldn’t.

my mind has been a blur. or rather, life has been a blur. it’s been a hell of an emotional ride, and at times, the lack of emotion. an indifference of some sort — uncaring, even. it’s been a month and a half since they started hanging out, a little more than a week since they got together, and really, it is still difficult for me to come to terms with it. but then again, i do not have any right to feel this way. i have to keep reminding myself it has been nothing more than admiration, plain fucking admiration, and i do not have any reason to feel like this. how did i even let myself believe that i was… a tad bit special?

to feel so empty like all hope has been stripped from me (but really, tong, what right do you have, when you were the only one who gave yourself false hopes?), to feel so jaded and broken, even, because maybe i did love. or attempted to love. or really did love but it was not felt by you. or you did not receive it. or you did not want to receive it.

i don’t even want to think about this, but it’s been on my mind all day and i decided it would be good to get it out here for a bit, so i can attempt to sleep and wake up refreshed for my 830am paper. every time i let myself think i end up being so bloody vulnerable and i actually tear.

this isn’t me. i shouldn’t feel this way. never again, right?

never again.

swamped

i had a 20% project on research methods due during study break and it was a huge chore. i hated the fact that it was due during study break because c’mon, study break is so precious yknow, finally a full week that should be dedicated to finals preparation. but half of it got taken up by group meetings and rushing and lets just say that having a group of 5 perfectionists together isn’t a good thing. we spent tuesday night trying to re-write certain procedures and to adhere to the page limit (resulting in having the appendix longer than the actual length of the report) — 8pm till 5am, because the report was due 9am wednesday morning. a part of me was upset because i didn’t understand why a certain group member kept wanting to change parts of the report (since we already discussed and agreed on those parts a month back, why would anyone disagree 12h before submission?) another reason i was upset was because at 2am, the father woke up and scolded me for being awake, assuming i was doing my own things when in fact i had no other tabs opened, nothing else on my table, my phone on do not disturb, and not even spotify playing. so i was scolded for being awake, and when i explained that i was doing a project report due the next morning, i was scolded for not rushing the group to finish earlier, or in his words “no fucking time management“. this really made me flip because during the sem, whenever i stayed till over 1030pm in school, a certain someone was always extremely worked up and always asked “is there really a need, why must you stay so late?” it’s so exasperating, why can’t you just make up your mind, i have to get the projects done somehow or another if i can’t even stay in school past 1030pm how in the world am i supposed to finish without staying up? i just really can’t understand your way of thinking and how you always think you know best and how you can’t wrap your mind round the fact that times have changed. it isn’t easy anymore. trying isn’t enough. especially when you want me to do better, to get all those As to be better than your friends’ kids who are in better unis. how the fuck do i live up to your expectations; i’ve never been academically inclined and i swear the worst thing is being so, so mediocre in every single aspect — be it academics, sports, music and art.

and i’m sorry for that. i can’t seem to perform regardless of the effort i put in. everything seems so pointless because i keep trying and trying and trying but i never get there.

do you not realize that i want to get somewhere as much as you want me to get somewhere? do you not realize that at all?

maybe it hurts this much because i know how much i pale in comparison to her and there is absolutely nothing i can do to be as pretty beautiful lucky as her. i know, i’m just throwing a kiddy tantrum and this is immature as heck, but you know, it hurts and it really does. but hey, it’s my fault for harbouring such thoughts and feelings anyway, when i know full well they are completely wrong and they should never have been formed in the first place. it is my fault entirely and none of this is on you; it’s just i hate the thought of you with her and the fact that i will never be in that position.

sometimes i still wonder why in the world i thought i was going to be someone… special. were there any signs or was i just grasping at nothing? the worst part is concluding that perhaps you never showed any signs, neither did you give me any false hopes, i just got my own hopes up because you were just being nice, being you.

star-crossed

i am currently here, lying down and looking at the sky. it is so dark tonight and that is a little overwhelming. it has been so long since i last came up here to admire the universe and be alone with it. i was feeling like crap earlier today due to a lack of sleep as well as a long day; the fact that i have 3 unsuccessful bids hasn’t hit me yet and for that i’m grateful. so i set my mind on coming here regardless of the time i would leave school, and i like how i can spend at least an hour here, alone. i’m looking at the sky right now and it’s so dark when all you see is the sky and the sky and more of the sky. the universe is so overwhelming in a good way and i feel like the tiniest speck of dust in the grand scheme of things. and i like that. i like how small it makes me feel. i like how quiet it is now in my head and i wish it could last for a long time.

i usually come up here at night and i have forgotten how it feels to be here in the day. so i just scrolled through my camera album and found that both times i came here in the day was, well, for you? i mean, not exactly just for you, but you were part of the reason. i am reminded of a happy, happy summer memory — of leaving notes, of leaving a present, and i wish i had it in me right now to do it. i think the memory of your existence and appearance in my tiny life will always leave a bitter aftertaste in my mind. and right now as i am recalling such happiness, i feel… happy? so i am thankful. thankful you stepped into my life, even if it was for a short while. it makes my heart all fuzzy knowing that i am alive the same time you are. i am so, so lucky.

i have a heart and it hurts

funniest part is i keep telling myself that i’m okay and i’m happier without you but there are moments i can’t help but feel so betrayed. remember i once joked about being a rebound; truth is i felt it. and honestly it’s embarrassing to actually still feel hurt at times when i was the one who singlehandedly severed all connections and interactions. but that’s just me, i don’t know how to deal with breaking and leaving and still, still being friends. what if i fell back in love with you as you fell out of love with me; that cannot ever happen and perhaps this is my pathetic way of saying i’m sorry i didn’t know how to let myself be loved. you know, i still have the note you typed in my phone and some nights i read through it just because, it got me through rough nights months ago. i know, i never admitted that. i never admitted that your presence provided me some respite while i struggled through the sem. i still am struggling, but it’s weird now because i do not have hands that will hold me together as i break down from anxiety and all that mental illness crap. these days i just clench my jaw and laugh a little harder and smile a little wider and zone out so much i don’t even know if i’m really here — there — anywhere. it helps me not think of whatever pain there is because i do not even think about anything. and honestly i don’t know how to put it across but my head feels so empty all the time and as much as i try to cram it with projects, assignments, work, just everything and anything that should be stored, it doesn’t seem to work. it feels like my head has permanently shut down and there’s this gaping hole up there and the place where my heart used to be; i don’t know where it is anymore. sometimes i wonder if it’s even possible for someone to carry so much sadness around and it feels impossible to put it down it clings on to me like it is a part of me. but at the same time i can’t let myself feel the sadness because i know it will consume me. or has it already? feeling so impossible to love and inadequate and, and, and i don’t know. rebound or not i thought i managed to place my love in the tiny crevices in your heart and filled the gaps and well, i guess it wasn’t enough or perhaps the truth is i’m so replaceable. i hope i meant something. anything. honestly i’ve moved past this, i mean i think i have, but it’s scary to see how fast someone can fall out of love with me. what is a rebound or how do you define one; i don’t know if i want to know now. what’s the point of having that sort of knowledge when it won’t do any good at all. you know the worst part is having to laugh it off when the few friends who knew about you tell me that i deserve better. but who’s to say who deserves better who’s to say what is better. it doesn’t feel right that your name is a taboo word when i’m with them when it used to come out of my mouth so often. with so much… love. and, is love ever wrong? maybe it is always wrong. maybe it is better not to know of love because then you wouldn’t know how to hate. i don’t want to know of hate. or what could be worse than hate? unlove? unkiss? untouch? unfeel? why did you have to make me happy, now i know too much of sadness.

an open letter to my summertime friend, p.

the past few weeks have been trying and i kept remembering you on random occasions. could it be that our friendship did not begin with formalities but instead with a conversation filled with so many secrets and thoughts we never thought we would speak aloud, that we slowly regretted being vulnerable when it was just our first encounter with each other? i’d admit, you were someone i felt so comfortable with sharing all my morbid thoughts because i knew you had the capacity to understand them. all of them. no matter how much they would make others cringe and turn away in disgust, i knew you understood. i don’t know if you know how rare it is for me to find someone who understands me like you did (and probably still do); your existence is a special one in my life and i can only hope you do not have it in you to want to leave this place. i meant it when i said i love the fact that you exist, and even though i did not tell you, i want you to know that your leaving would break me. it is the people you meet and connect with emotionally without having to even try, the people who prove that they are not just “hi”s and “bye”s.

i think what i miss the most is the way you would say whatever was on your mind without caring if anyone would judge you. it was a way for me to truly know you for you, and for that i am grateful. i will always remember that night we climbed a roof, half-drunk, sat at the edge and shared a comfortable silence punctuated by unfiltered, morbid thoughts. you were one of the most genuine friends i have ever had and i can only hope i was one to you, too. it is a pity how seasons change because now it feels like you are not here anymore. (but you would probably be here if i ever need, i think. i hope.)

may thoughts of dying never plague you. may you never mince the truth. may you remember i would drop everything for you if you ever need. you are a very special friend of mine who i treasure, and i hope my existence in your life has provided you with some comfort amidst the cruel reality you live in.

my dear friend, i hope we will be able to pick up from where we left off; i hope to climb more rooftops with you.

overload

it’s recess week but i am feeling more stressed than ever. i don’t know why i have so many things to do on a week that’s meant for clearing sleep debts and occasional revision for midterms. it’s stupid how we get swamped with projects and assignments from all mods at the same time, i mean, can they just be a little nicer and space these things out instead of cramming them all during recess week?

so these are the things on my to-do list for recess week:

  1. GA201 individual reflective essay
  2. GA201 group project report
  3. PHIL207 essay 1 (to think and write about a topic that can be later discussed with chinese philo thingys in essay 2)
  4. PHIL207 presentation preparation (to read up on yinyang)
  5. PSYC110 group project 2 (designing a full research)
  6. PSYC110 group project 3 (designing 2 full studies)
  7. PSYC110 midterm preparation (6 content chapters)
  8. pc3 posters & emailers
  9. scrapbook (when the pictures finally arrive, i don’t know how long more that is going to take)

with all that on my to-do list, it also means having many group meetings, i.e. heading back to school on a week i used to avoid school. i really don’t know how to emphasize the fact that going to school scares me. it doesn’t feel like i’m going there to learn, but rather to compete with insanely smart people who rely on people like me to push them up the bell curve. i hate the bell curve. i hate studying and not performing. i hate it. i want to be smart, too. i want to be able to not have a nervous breakdown over a fucking presentation. i want to be an average student who can deal with school.

the anxiety is real when i am supposed to get 4h of sleep, but i wake up an hour before my alarm and can’t fall back asleep. and the resulting exhaustion? it takes a toil, you know? it really does.