halsey

for the longest time, i’ve been complaining about how i don’t have friends who appreciate the same genre of music as me or friends who actually share the same favourite bands or artistes as me. i still complain about that a lot, but there are some days i’m really glad there i don’t have such friends because (as selfish as it sounds), it feels as though i have the bands or artistes all to myself… like i will always have this bubble of comfort in knowing that i am the only one who has the knowledge of amazing, soul-calming songs. even if everyone has different inclinations toward the various genres of music, the fact that the songs i listen to will never be considered “mainstream” in the eyes of my friends really makes me happy. it’s like these songs will never ever be over commercialized or, just degraded, yknow? it’s such a nice feeling when both your favourite artiste and favourite band release new albums shortly after one another — new songs are heart-hugs! just what i needed, really.

i run when things are good,
and never really understood,
the way you laid your eyes on me,
in ways that no one ever could.
and so it seems i broke your heart;
my ignorance has struck again.
i failed to see it from the start,
and tore you open ’til the end.

truly therapy

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i just reached home after my 2nd shift at scoop therapy! even after merely 2 shifts, i feel so comfortable here. these 2 shifts have been nothing short of fulfilling and therapeutic. i think i learnt so much more here, with managers and bosses so friendly and like coaches. i even got to do closing! which i think is rare for a newbie part-timer.

so i was asked to scoop and take pictures of some flavours… hopefully my pictures are used for the update! also feeling very happy because they don’t mind letting me (i.e. 0 experience with coffee) make coffee when i’m paired with part-timers who don’t know how to do coffee… so i got to make 3 cups today! it’s such a nice feelings, being able to scoop icecream (this has always been therapeutic for me) and make coffee (what i have gradually come to appreciate and take an interest in).

when your part-time job is truly therapy… what more can i ask for, right?

on a side note, the apex project is opening pinkdot 2017!!! how do i put this euphoria into words; i’m so excited for love, love and more love.

3am conversations

i was talking to a friend on sunday night (and the wee hours of monday). a conversation that began with sneakers escalated so, so quickly, to become a huge snowball of secrets. it’s funny how i don’t regret any parts of it, perhaps i really needed such a release. i’m glad it happened, i’m grateful it was you at the receiving end. thank you, for never interrupting, for always listening, for unfiltered “sorry“s and “it’s not your fault“s. i think… a part of me really needed those words to calm my mind. it has been a while, me trusting almost wholeheartedly and not feeling scared at all.

thank you, thank you, thank you.

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aaand, when the conversation shifted from heavy, to oh-so light and happy and i could feel my heart doing a tiny dance.

#myCGiscoolerthanyourCG

i am so glad i joined this bunch for cg after A’s. at first, i wasn’t really that keen on joining any cg because everyone has been with the same group and i thought i would feel very out of place if i just joined one out of the blue. they proved me wrong, though. they were so welcoming, so open, so friendly i really don’t know what i would do on tuesday evenings if i ever stop going for cg.

it was right after A’s and i felt… really lost. this was because i suddenly had all the time in the world and i did not have the excuse of needing to study to escape from interactions, and from actually dealing with all the suppress thoughts and emotions. that period of time was when i felt so far away from God i did not even want to go to church. i think i was talking to van about it right after my last paper and on that particular sunday i did not appear in church, she drove to my place after church to get me out. it was a nice feeling, you know, being cared for. we talked for a bit and the cg topic came up. i think we all knew that if i was going to join a cg, it would be pch’s, considering the distance.

sundays after sundays, pch would urge me to join cg and charissa was also like “eh see you at cg ah!” i think it was after youth camp that i decided i wanted God in my life… to be able to forgive and forget and to let God handle my life, so i started going for cg. it’s going to sound so cliché, but cg changed my life. instead of feeling left out, i felt so welcomed, and i still do, i feel so at ease now.

it is only through cg i learnt so much more about the people in there, like how wilson is one of the most self-sacrificial person i have ever met, in the ways he serves and gives his all, how charissa isn’t afraid to articulate her thoughts even as the label “pastor’s kid” has stuck on, how cheryl has a soft and loving heart underneath her witty exterior, how danny sees people in the cg as people he cares about, enough to pay attention to their problems, tries to liven situations and also be blatantly honest at every moment, how felicia has gone through so many struggles and yet trusts God so deeply, how keong has a faith so simple it makes you wonder why you complicate things with your feelings and desires, how ann is so friendly, sees so much good in everyone and takes it upon herself to settle all the cg funds, how nic is actually nice and loving, unlike his fierce and cold image, how sister dency is ever so thankful for the littlest things in life, how pch is always ready to give advice and leave ample room for discussions instead of just forcing truths down our throats, and how van readily sends us back every single tuesday even after a long day in school and how she will always listen to rants and is just, there.

weijun's vow (final)

so tonight, we were trying to decide on how much this should cost. a few of them went on carousell and instagram to check out the current prices, while felicia was asking pch how much he thought it should be and he said “to be honest, i think this is worth $100.” (taking into account the time spent on it.) that shocked me because i was thinking of only accepting $20 since i never had any professional training so some may say i don’t actually have the right techniques since i design by feel. then ann, cheryl and charissa said it ranges from $30 to $120 per piece and then danny decided to count per hour, so he settled for $80. nic was like “wow, you have a job now” (and ann said it means he approves and might actually want me to design something for their wedding!). i really… don’t know how i got so lucky to meet these lovely bunch of people who actually see some potential in me. it warms my heart to know they have so much faith in my designs even though i don’t think so highly of my designs.

eventually, pch told felicia to give me as much as she wants, but not tell others that that is its value. and it all worked out! she gave me $90 but then i felt bad because she was going to be the only one paying? and i don’t think that is fair, considering how she is actually doing this on behalf of the other bridesmaids and they were commenting on what i should change when i sent them my drafts… but they aren’t willing to pay so she’s paying alone? so i asked pch to decide how much i should keep and he told me to keep $50… so i think everything worked out well? i just find it really… unfair for felicia, because she is such a nice person she wouldn’t get upset just because the rest won’t pay for it. my first thought was “wow, so much for bridesmaids, aren’t they supposed to be close to the bride…” but okay i shouldn’t judge them. i’m just really glad everything worked out in the end.

also, i made a deal with charissa that i would design her invitations in exchange for not bao-ing angpao LOL. honestly i wouldn’t mind doing these things for the next 2 to 3 years for the cg couples getting married, it would be a fun and nice wedding gift!

come sweep me up in Your love again

the message on sunday felt like a literal slap to my face because pastor talked about the discipline of the Lord and it tied in with whatever i was talking to sandra about. not only that, i watched the shack yesterday and everything seems to be falling into place, no matter how hard i try to deny (i don’t know if this is the right word) it. i’m only writing about this now because we usually review sunday messages during cg and in doing so, i think i always get a better grasp on the topic at hand.

so, a few takeaways from the message and discussion:

  1.  if God loves you, He will spank you.
    • you have to experience the consequences of your sin.
  2.  if God didn’t love you, He will leave you alone.
    • we always want God to actively bless us, but the truth is that He will always actively chasten us because He loves us (kind of like, “打是疼, 骂是爱”).
  3. trial vs punishment
    • if there is joy in the situation, it is a trial.
    • if there is sorrow in the situation, it is a punishment.
    • the peace from God will be present during a trial, and guilt is usually present when you actively choose to go your own way, i.e. choosing sin.
  4. not my will, but Yours be done.
    • there should never be a debate because you should never be the one to decide… and this does not change even if His will is not revealed to you.
  5. obedience precedes emotions and desires.
    • we will always struggle with sin when we are in the flesh. we are born with the propensity to choose sin and that only makes us human.
    • it is only through obedience can we ever be right with God.
  6. we are often blinded by temptations, by our own desires, so much so we don’t see the way of escape God has provided for us.
  7. God always has a way to bring us back to Him, no matter how far and deep we are in our sins.

the past few weeks have been filled with internal battles between what i want and what i know… is right. i don’t think it is by mere coincidence that sandra talked about this, pastor preached about this, and i learnt about it in the shack. you know sometimes you have it in your head but your heart refuses to understand. but i know my heart is deceitful and fickle and i should not trust my heart. sometimes it is so, so difficult — knowing something and yet not doing the right thing in the end. it’s like i want my heart to change, i want my heart to understand what i know in my head. i want to be able to comprehend the fact that God knows what He is doing, that He loves me, that all things will work together for good. but times like this, knowing isn’t enough. believing is.

i know it is only by God’s grace that i still feel the guilt, and as much as it is unsettling, i should be thankful. tonight, pch said “there are thousands of others who do what you do (i.e. sin, whatever it may be), and they don’t feel a thing (i.e. no guilt).” it is only right for me to be thankful that i feel the guilt, but that is not all there is to it. i am not supposed to just, live with the guilt, but rather, be right with God. and even though it may seem like i have to give up many desires to get right with God, i should never think of that as the worst punishment i can ever receive. truth is, the worst punishment God can ever give is when He finally leaves me to do whatever i want, without holding me back or pricking my heart or drawing me back to Him. just the thought of it scares me… and i want it to scare me so much that i will leave my earthly desires and look toward Him, to have faith in Him and to trust Him wholeheartedly.

sidetracking to the shack, the part that struck me the most was when mac was asked to sit on the throne and judge people. it is natural for us to judge others without considering their circumstance, and we do it every day. but when put in a position where you are forced to judge while knowing their circumstance, it is so, so scary because you come to the realization that everyone has faults and you cannot judge someone just based on whatever wrong they did to you. those few minutes on screen have been stuck in my head because when mac was asked to choose between his two children, he said “take me“, and this shows how much he loves his children. and the fact is that God loves us so, so, so much that He gave His only Son so that He could cleanse us from all unrighteousness. that was probably one of the most heartbreaking moments, but He loves us… so much, that much.

what treasure waits within Your scars?
this gift of freedom gold can’t buy.
i bought the world and sold my heart,
You traded heaven to have me again.

i want to restart

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11 unread texts and 3 missed calls later — i did not have the self-control i thought i had; i still wanted to read your even drunk texts i wanted to hear your voice so fucking badly. i only replied them all after an hour, though. never knew how long an hour could feel like, until i had to force myself not to check my phone (but of course there were notifications on my laptop; how could i just pretend you weren’t looking for me?)

i swear i almost teared but i was in the living room so how could i show any signs of weakness, of breaking, of heart-fucking-wrenching, of… of losing grip? maybe i am good at this pretense, after all, i did not let any emotion seep into my replies.

no i dont have someone but no we cant i alr made it clear

technology has got to be the greatest invention because yet again, it has allowed me to express an emotion i would never be able to express in real life if i saw you again nonchalance. because i know you know how i type; we’ve talked every single day for the past… 6 months. and i know you know if i don’t punctuate my replies, i don’t care.

that’s what i need you to believe. i don’t need you to know i wanted so badly to say “yes please come back, i’ve missed you so much, please take me back, please love me; please, please, p l e a s e.”

i’m glad i’m not a drunk texter. it would have been bad because i would have had so many chances to beg you to take me back the week my parents were overseas. and i know you would. then i’d spend almost every waking moment beside you to make up for lost time. i wouldn’t even have been home that week.

i wish. i wish.

i wish i was lying beside you.

i wish i was kissing you.

i wish you were holding me.

i wish we were asleep, together.

i wish… we were back together.

how do you un-gay?

i kept re-watching the trailer for i am michael, and it really broke my heart. what makes it sadder is the fact that it is based on a true story, and i just wonder how someone can wake up one day and decide “i’m not gay“. don’t you find it scary… how fickle our hearts and minds are, how one moment we can all be so in love with a person and the next moment gender suddenly matters a whole lot? i’m just so curious, how is he so sure he doesn’t like men anymore? isn’t there always going to be that tiny part of him loving men he can never get together with, due to religion and all that moral bullshit?

with that said, i really want to watch this movie, but i think they won’t show it in singapore, because… singapore is singapore. in any case, i think i would feel extra strongly if i were to watch it in cinemas, and that might not be a good thing. wow i just really hate the idea of someone being able to unlove and become someone the opposite of who he used to be. there’s this part of me that believes he is most probably just ignoring the “wrong” feelings; denying himself. which really makes me so upset.

i hate holding back feelings.

“ball is life”

i spent a large part of tonight thinking “you know, maybe rash decisions aren’t always bad…” because i made one back in 2015 when i switched cca to basketball right after completing the singapore canoe marathon. it was a few months to A divs for both ccas and one day it just clicked in me that i wasn’t the best version of myself in canoeing after everything that was happening within that year. so i went for basketball and it shocked many people, like rachel, charlene and even krist (just to name a few). i think no one ever thought i would stay in basketball though… but i’m glad i did, and i’m glad they all welcomed me. although the team was small, i met people who were so generous with their words of encouragement, so selfless in coaching and just… giving their all to the twice a week training. i know sa basketball has been in the slumps since so long, but i think no one else would know how hard krist works to coach all of us, to accept everyone and anyone new (and willing to learn), how these three other batchmates of mine run like dogs on court, giving their all no matter the turn out for training. it felt really good to finally find somewhere i could fit in, after all i always ran because i loved running. it’s so rare to find people who work so hard even though they know that the effort they put in will not show the results they actually want on court… mostly because it has to be a team effort kind of thing, and the remaining members do not… seem to try their best.

which is why i think it was the right decision to join basketball. i met selfless individuals, true team players and i feel like i learnt so much while training with them for about 4 months, going to malaysia for friendlies and playing on court with them. it felt so surreal and even now as i am recounting those matches we actually played together,  i feel so, so blessed to have been able to train and play alongside such people, and to stay as friends.

so after typing the above, i dug out the cards i received during basketball farewell and wow… reading through all of them brought back so many fond memories. although A divs did not go as planned, i am so grateful i experienced a season with all of them.

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just look at how many cards krist wrote to me… she really has a heart for all the people she coaches and it’s just so admirable. and all the kind words my team wrote to me; reading everything makes me tear. where do i find such kind souls, or how did i get so lucky to meet an entire team of selfless individuals?

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my heart is so, so full. i’m glad i dug those cards out. they serve as a great reminder that life isn’t all that bad, and not everyone is out to hurt or use me.

ball is life. so are you guys.

trial and error

today i decided i was going to be somewhat productive and stop wallowing in self-pity, so i took my paint out and started on what i have to get done by next week. anyway i was just practicing watercolour flowers as the background for weijun’s love pledge thing, and was somewhat hoping that the practice one would be nice enough… this isn’t even complete though.

but when mommy saw she didn’t say it was nice. and she usually does… so i guess it’s time to practice more and hopefully get the background done by the weekend. sigh, actually feeling quite bummed but, well i have to get myself out of this shithole of feelings since i pretty much got myself into it in the first place.

oh man, why can’t i master watercolour flowers, sigh.