truth is, it hasn’t been an easy month. (wow, it seems i keep saying the same thing in every post, regardless of it being about school or life.) the past couple of weeks have been exhausting as usual, but i think i was grateful to be swamped with work, work, and more work just so i could escape other aspects of reality i did not want to face. and still don’t want to face.
study week has been… pointless. i tried to study for finals while going for group meetings and rushing a project. there were so many nights i couldn’t fall asleep (read — still attempting to fall asleep when i hear my parents’ alarms), and on one day i only woke up at 3pm. that was the only day i actually slept in, or rather, i turned my phone off so i wouldn’t get any notifications. other days i fell asleep at around 5am / 6am and woke up by 9am, which isn’t normal for me at all, considering how exhausted i have been and was in need of sleep but i just couldn’t.
my mind has been a blur. or rather, life has been a blur. it’s been a hell of an emotional ride, and at times, the lack of emotion. an indifference of some sort — uncaring, even. it’s been a month and a half since they started hanging out, a little more than a week since they got together, and really, it is still difficult for me to come to terms with it. but then again, i do not have any right to feel this way. i have to keep reminding myself it has been nothing more than admiration, plain fucking admiration, and i do not have any reason to feel like this. how did i even let myself believe that i was… a tad bit special?
to feel so empty like all hope has been stripped from me (but really, tong, what right do you have, when you were the only one who gave yourself false hopes?), to feel so jaded and broken, even, because maybe i did love. or attempted to love. or really did love but it was not felt by you. or you did not receive it. or you did not want to receive it.
i don’t even want to think about this, but it’s been on my mind all day and i decided it would be good to get it out here for a bit, so i can attempt to sleep and wake up refreshed for my 830am paper. every time i let myself think i end up being so bloody vulnerable and i actually tear.
this isn’t me. i shouldn’t feel this way. never again, right?