overload

it’s recess week but i am feeling more stressed than ever. i don’t know why i have so many things to do on a week that’s meant for clearing sleep debts and occasional revision for midterms. it’s stupid how we get swamped with projects and assignments from all mods at the same time, i mean, can they just be a little nicer and space these things out instead of cramming them all during recess week?

so these are the things on my to-do list for recess week:

  1. GA201 individual reflective essay
  2. GA201 group project report
  3. PHIL207 essay 1 (to think and write about a topic that can be later discussed with chinese philo thingys in essay 2)
  4. PHIL207 presentation preparation (to read up on yinyang)
  5. PSYC110 group project 2 (designing a full research)
  6. PSYC110 group project 3 (designing 2 full studies)
  7. PSYC110 midterm preparation (6 content chapters)
  8. pc3 posters & emailers
  9. scrapbook (when the pictures finally arrive, i don’t know how long more that is going to take)

with all that on my to-do list, it also means having many group meetings, i.e. heading back to school on a week i used to avoid school. i really don’t know how to emphasize the fact that going to school scares me. it doesn’t feel like i’m going there to learn, but rather to compete with insanely smart people who rely on people like me to push them up the bell curve. i hate the bell curve. i hate studying and not performing. i hate it. i want to be smart, too. i want to be able to not have a nervous breakdown over a fucking presentation. i want to be an average student who can deal with school.

the anxiety is real when i am supposed to get 4h of sleep, but i wake up an hour before my alarm and can’t fall back asleep. and the resulting exhaustion? it takes a toil, you know? it really does.

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a couple of days ago, something triggered me and i fell back into the bottomless pit of nothingness. i really don’t know why or what happened, but it did. i spiraled back into useless thoughts i tried so hard to ignore, to forget; the thoughts i assumed were far from me because i was getting better. i guess i wasn’t really getting better. i am only writing about this now because i don’t really feel much now, at this moment. my head has been quiet for the past few hours and i am savouring the peace i have right now. i know it will become chaotic again soon, but i am calm now and that is all that matters for now.

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i haven’t been the easiest person to be friends with, much less form lasting connections to celebrate the fact that i am alive. with that knowledge, i truly am grateful for a handful of people who place me on a pedestal and see all the good in me. the people who are happy that i am alive and who think my existence matters. it is so rare to find friends, or maybe it is just the case for me because i don’t see how being emotionally bound to any individual will do us any good. nevertheless, i spent my 20th birthday drinking, as planned. you know when your family feels bad because they can’t celebrate your birthday on the actual day (since mommy was in ireland); i feel like a manipulative and spoilt child, but i used  that as an excuse to stay out and stay over bel’s place because i wanted to get wasted.

honestly, i have no idea who is reading this, but if you do know me well enough, i have never really enjoyed celebrating my existence… because well, it’s been a long time since i ever loved the idea of being alive. but then again, it is nice to know there are people who do not mind being alive the same time that i am, and that they do remember my existence even if i do not play a huge part in theirs.

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i spent the past 2 years getting to know jieyi better and really, he has been the best-est friend anyone could ever have. imagine having a friend who would ditch 2 groups of friends just because you called to say you were having a hard time and wanted to drink. i’ve been blessed with this special friend who has accepted me for who i am, regardless of the shit amount of information i throw at him which scare him at times… but he stayed throughout. i think i will never be able to repay such kindness and generosity; for that i will always be thankful.
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this is another friend who always pretends not to care and always bullies and makes fun of me, but ends up showing that he cares. i post so much shit on my private account but he reads every single post and tries to ask me about them when we meet up, and he also convinces his girlfriend to let him meet me all the time… i don’t know how to show that i am grateful for things like this, and i can only hope that he knows.
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this came as a surprise because honestly, we only communicate through snapchat (but i was the loser who broke our 200+ days streak). back when i had the time to make cards, i did it only because it made me feel happy, i never thought it would encourage her so much so she is always grateful. i hope that one day i will learn to have a heart like hers, to be thankful for the little things.
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this is probably my only group mates from y1s1 who i am still in contact with. they’ve been the easiest people to be around, so accepting, so ready for impromptu plans and always geared up for low-blow banters. i haven’t met group mates i can have so much in common with, and i think this is truly a blessing.
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extra random text, but i’m glad she still remembers, even after sa days.
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i’m so glad i got to know this girl better after tk days. i still remember her telling me that her friends didn’t want her to waste her time on me back in tk (because she’s 2 years my senior and back then the senior-junior hierarchy was strong). but she stuck on with me and it has been rewarding, at least for me. although we don’t text every day, i know she will be there for me even while she’s going through tough times in canada. i’ll always be thankful that she stuck around, and that she gives amazing hugs that can make anyone feel better instantly.
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to be very honest, when i received this text, i almost teared. it wasn’t about you remembering or anything, but i almost teared because we only talk to each other during birthdays. which is pretty sad, because you were an integral part of my life and it is sad to know this is all that we are, now.
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i will always, always be thankful for your existence in my life. you know when you meet someone and it seems like she is the long lost sister you never had? she is that sister to me and i feel so extremely lucky because she cares so much and she tries to accept me and at the same time steer me in the right direction, because i am always lost. i will always be grateful for you.
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this girl is probably the best thing that ever happened to me post A’s. she was my junior back in tk and although we did talk a bit back then, we drifted along the way. but i am glad we found our way back to each other because this friendship has been nothing short of inspiring, amazing and fruitful. i don’t know how someone can give and give and give and pour so much love into another friend, i can only imagine how much she can love her lover. she also has a way with words and she leaves you in awe of the many things you can do for a friend.
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i will always be thankful for the many quiet drives we have to art markets and to other places. it is rare to find a friend who appreciates the quiet as much as i do, and to not feel the need to fill all the silence with words. i think we really hit it off back in 2011/2012 when we had our first after school meet up. it amazed me when we were both able to sit in comfortable silence without even having any plan B (when ukelele movement was closed). that was then, and now i’m happy i have a friend i can be totally honest with, even about stupid, controversial things.
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ever since sa days, bel has been the one planning our birthday surprises and this year, she did it for me. i really wasn’t expecting anything because i was going to crash at her place at night, but she celebrated with me during our 8am lesson and i couldn’t be more grateful. she always remembers and always, always pours her heart in her letters. i know i don’t ever show that i am grateful, but i hope she knows. i really hope she knows.

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so i spent the night drinking with stefan and ended up puking quite a bit. it was a simple but fun night, i’m thankful he managed to squeeze a reservation for us at loof. and also grateful that zhengquan works there, so i had a few birthday shots. stefan said he never wants to drink with me again (because i got sad) but hey, never say never, right?

disclaimer: he took all the neon sign pictures because it was his first time hearing about gudak cam and he really wanted to show me he could take nice pictures… guess not? LOL. well, my pictures of him aren’t any better, but you can see it was a great night.

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on love and its aftermath

this is probably the last time i am going to be writing as a 19-year-old but to be very honest, i feel that i am turning twenteen, not twenty. then again, when the time comes, i have to act the part. so here is what is going on in this 19-year-old heart, and mind.

i.
6 years ago i told someone i loved her but she said she did not know how to love me back. my fragile 14-year-old heart was broken but i was so deeply immersed in this unrequited love, i could not unlove and move on. the 4 years spent on this one-sided affection were probably the most trying and depressing years of my life, but at the same time, they are years i will always want to remember, and re-live, if i ever have the chance. i learnt so much from one of the most selfless souls i have ever met (and maybe, will ever meet), and i saw an ugly reflection of my own selfishness. i think i will never get to properly apologize for only caring about how i felt and disregarding your feelings entirely. it does not make sense for me to say i love you and yet not consider your feelings — sometimes this makes me question if i really did love you. but i am going to put it out here and say that i did, i think i really, really did. i was heart all-in, mind all-in and that left me no room for accepting failure, or mis-timing or everything else. i just wanted to say thank you, for sticking around all these years, for gifting me with one of the rarest and most genuine friendships i will ever receive in my entire life. even though we lost touch along the way, you will always be the one i let in to my very private life, the one i will always try my best to be there for, no matter what happens, and the one i will always love.

ii.
3 years ago i told someone i loved him and he loved me back. little did i know i was actually using him to get over someone else and that made me feel like a true blue asshole. i was taught what it truly meant to love someone without holding back even when the person treats you like absolute crap. i was extremely blessed for the 9 months — random presents, random notes, notes and snacks for an entire month (september) because he knew i was not so okay with being alive and celebrating my existence. every day he told me that he loved me and i felt it and i said it back until one day it hit me like a fucking train; the day i said i loved him but did not mean it was the day i distanced myself from him. do not get me wrong, i did not do it for him, i did it for me because i could not handle the fact that i was such a cruel, selfish jerk for using him. i am sorry for all the hurt i caused you; i do not think i will ever be able to repay you in any way. but thank you, for loving me, so much, so hard, through the good and especially the bad. thank you so much for loving me — i really needed it back then, i think you were part of the reason why i did not kill myself.

iii.
a little less than a year ago, i told someone i loved her and she loved me back. we saw each other almost every single day and it got too tiring and suffocating because i treasure my alone time. it was during this time i learnt that the act of trying to love someone (and only focusing on loving someone) despite disapproval from close friends, will get you nowhere. sometimes, both parties loving each other is not enough. it is not right to ignore advices from close friends, because when you do, you are telling them that their friendships are of less importance. but that should not be the case because they have seen you through other milestones in your life and never left. it should have been a really painful lesson though, but i am beginning to think that i do not have the capacity to really love anyone genuinely without an ounce of selfishness. i typed a long text and ended the relationship just like that. i did not feel anything for quite a while, until i started drinking and getting drunk and realizing that all the suppressed feelings finally found their way out of me. i was constantly a drunken mess, but i am okay now. i still am a mess, but for a different reason and i will only let myself believe it is due to an admiration on my part.

love has not been all that easy, and i am beginning to think that maybe it is not for me.

y2s1w2

today marks the beginning of week 2 of y2s1 and i just wanted to say that i am already exhausted. i don’t understand how school always drains me regardless of the mods and the timings of the classes. i didn’t feel this tired when i was working full shifts almost every day and in fact, i miss that. there’s something addictive about meeting strangers and just serving them regardless of how rude or unreasonable they are. or maybe it’s because i always looked forward to chilling somewhere alone just to admire the moon and jupiter and just the night sky… and that kept me going. but since school has started, i haven’t been able to be alone with the universe and that is somewhat draining. it has been a full week of bumping into hi-bye friends, having to get to know new people, finding my way around school and even signing up for stupid things because i have no choice; it has been tiring.

i know it seems funny for me to be complaining already, considering how it’s only monday and the only lesson i have is from 3:30pm to 5pm. but i’m exhausted. i had 3 cups of coffee today and it’s not even 10pm but i’m already on my bed, ready to go to sleep. it’s crazy because i used to work 10h to 14h and still survived on 4h of sleep. how do i deal with school, really. coffee doesn’t even help to keep me awake, but it helps with morning headaches so that is something.

this entire post is incoherent but it’s a public holiday this friday and i wish i could escape by working. everyone looks forward to public holidays but i have always disliked them. sometimes home feels more like lockdown and i really just want to escape and be alone. on another note, mommy’s leaving for ireland on 15 september and i wish i could get out of the house then. how do i deal with staying home with someone who always picks a fight and someone else who doesn’t even bother talking at all? sigh, i’m already dreading it. i want to get 30 free shots for my birthday month though. it would be nice to let loose and forget about everything for a night.

the apex project adam ep launch

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credits to joey(smth) on instagram

 

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credits to ginnyng on instagram

tonight was a really special night. the apex project had a live show to launch their adam ep and it was amazing. it was amazing to see all their hopes and dreams and struggles blend into that one colourful heart i don’t know how to put it into words. i’ve been listening to the four tracks on the ep and it has been cathartic. there is so much meaning in all the lyrics and it always awes me when i remember that every single sound is produced by their voices. it is inspiring to see how much they have all grown together and how far they have come. so, thank you, for preparing an entire set with choreography and for sharing your passion with all of us. it is so heartwarming to see people doing the things they love, doing them well, and being so happy.

also, tonight i am very thankful that you came to talk to me amidst the other people present. thank you for trying to have a proper conversation with me, for putting your arm around my shoulder (i am going to let myself believe that it was an attempt at a half-hug), and for even letting me know the area you live in… even though you were surprised that i knew. thank you for being so real, so you, even though i was a dork and extra awkward. just, thank you, so much.

i don’t know if i ever, ever said i was getting better, feeling more at ease with the thought of being alive (and almost not being able to change this). i felt it though. i have been feeling pretty good about this whole “being alive” thing and i actually even wanted to be alive. funny, right?

but this entry isn’t a happy, recovery one. summer break has been — for the lack of a better word amazing. i have never felt so at ease and free without having to deal with school and keeping up with being fake and just using people for 13 weeks. however, just a few weeks ago, i have been getting anxious about starting year 2 and all that stupid first day of school jitters. it doesn’t help that a certain someone always makes me want… to die. i know it sounds as though i am being a whiny baby, but try having someone you always argue with, even in the car during a one minute car ride. every single day. it’s like trying to pick a fight just, because. 

i honestly don’t know how to deal. i feel so happy to have my days consumed by work and spending whatever remaining time with friends, just so i don’t need to be home. it is more tiring to bite my tongue and not argue and try to be the bigger person but i am not such a person and i just want to explode. i want to argue, too. i want to be able to fight back and argue and not lose anything. i want to be in control and not always be controlled by you.

i am so fucking tired of being here, i wish i could tell you but if i did i would make you feel “bad” about being such a parent and then i’d have to spend the next lifetime trying to make amends and trying to make you feel better about being this controlling little prick.

i am sorry for typing such harsh sentences but they hold so much truth and i am a little bit high and i don’t think this would hurt anyone i just needed to get it out.

6 months and 10 days clean

it’s over. is a relapse caused by a habit you have formed over the past few years of your life and you feel you can never escape from that part of yourself, that you will always carry your sadness along with you no matter how long you live?

or is a relapse just you being so, fucking weak?

[edited at 4:30pm]

today i had a cigarette after so long. i haven’t smoked while sober in a very long time, but i felt such a strong longing for it. i needed it but giving in to such desires makes me feel so, so pathetic.

degrassé

a few days before you first initiated that instagram dm, i started a spotify playlist for you. it all worked out well i guess, because after that dm i set my mind on making the playlist fit for nights on that rooftop. perhaps, it was wishful thinking, and i’d admit, i did let myself hope. even just a little, even for a short while each time. i did hope. i did… expect.

so when i finally left the playlist at that spot today before work, i was happy. happy that i was going to gift you with one of the most… heartfelt gifts i have ever created for anyone. because i thought everything was falling into place, into the seemingly right place i always wished and hoped for. therein lies all the baseless expectations, all the hopes harboured, making me feel like a complete fool.

but i have digressed. i began this entry wanting to remember how it felt like putting my entire heart on my sleeve, smearing it all over the songs in the playlist. it has been so long since i have done that, since i have let myself follow my heart without restrain, without listening to my brain that has been shouting at me to just, s t o p.

heart, stop.

i only hope that you really mean it when you said you loved the cover, and that it was an amazing gift. i’ll let myself believe it.

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