lists

not-so-nice things / feelings:

  1. as of 5:02pm, i have not spoken today.
  2. yesterday / early this morning, i lost a friend who used to be close. i don’t know how to handle passive aggressiveness. so i removed her right after seeing something directed at me which said i never ever replied (but this implies that she initiates; let’s just say it isn’t exactly the case). it also said that she is tired of being “second place” in my life, which really made me question: how do i rank my friends, i don’t think i do. i find it normal to tell different people different aspects of my life and not dump every single shit on a single someone, just in case the person can’t handle or leaves. but in any case, it also implies that she puts me first, which, wow, let’s just say i’ve never felt more replaced before.
  3. i know i should feel something about point 2, but i don’t and it scares me because it means i will end up being a mess one day when shit feelings hit the ceiling.
  4. uni changes people and most of the time, change fucks people up.
  5. i spent the whole of last night listening to jonghyun’s song, lonely, and it made me cry so much. the mv was a literal slap in my face, and when i moved on to watching jonghyun and taeyeon’s live version on you hee-yeol’s sketchbook, my heart ached so deeply when i focused on his expressions and pain. it was pain. clear as fucking day but no one noticed. then again, it may be hindsight bias.
  6. i want to tell you things but i don’t want to burden you at all. i’m trying to hold myself back and it’s difficult; it would be easier if you ditched me or something, then i wouldn’t feel a thing for a while.
  7. i don’t know how not to rely on people anymore. i used to be better at that and it was easier to get through life because i couldn’t feel anything when i lost people. now i depend so much on people it scares me. i just want to be alone and not crave to hang out with some people.
  8. because, people leave. evidently from point 2.

kinda-nice things / feelings:

  1. yesterday, i spent the entire evening with a very beautiful individual and i can safely say that she is one of the few people who makes me feel like i’m home. when someone isn’t afraid to do things that may cause them to be ridiculed, when someone tells you she trusts you with her thoughts and when someone gives the safest, warmest hugs — i think i am the luckiest person on earth.
  2. i might have met someone who calms the storms in my head, even though the person doesn’t know it. quiet is nice, for a change. i can only hope the person enjoys my presence.
  3. having people who appreciate my playlist.
  4. being in bed and drinking cold black coffee while it’s raining outside.

Advertisements

warm hugs on bad days

it’s been so loud in my head the entire day i didn’t even have it in me to go to a cafe. a safe space. i need a safe space i can’t be with myself i don’t know how to live with myself. i want to stop spending so much time in my head but i don’t know how.

it’s 3:03am and the only thing bothering me right now is the fact that almost every sentence in the previous paragraph starts with “i“. it makes me feel so fucking self-centered but how do i deal? it’s always about you tong what the fuck, get a grip get real stop focusing on yourself stop being so immature and pathetic stop JUST STOP. why can’t you think for others why can’t you stop thinking about you and you only WHY. why is it always about how you feel how people hurt you how you can’t handle life? why isn’t it about the good in people the people who never left the people who love you WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO SELFISH.

it’s so loud it’s so loud it’s so loud i can’t think i can’t i just can’t. in need of some quiet but how do i escape myself. holy shit i have a class at 8am this is not wise at all.

this is a mess, but for the record, your presence shuts my mind up for a while. i like being around you.

safe space

sometimes it feels so suffocating and i don’t know what to do because i don’t want to hurt people but that’s what i do best. there are so many things on my mind and it gets so messy all the time and it’s hard to deal. i know i swing from please-hang-out-with-me to stay-the-fuck-away but i hope those people who experience both moods will understand. i’m trying, i really am. it gets so draining, i don’t know how to explain how much interactions exhaust me and i would much rather be stuck somewhere alone than be forced to make conversation. holy shit, this is what school does to me; force me to talk when i’m fully comfortable with not talking at all.

i remember having a conversation with someone about personality types (and you know, all the stupid things i’m interested in), and he couldn’t understand why anyone would hold back when they’re angry — what if commenting would change the relationship for the better? but heck, i shy away from such confrontations and because i hate it when things seem outrightly unjust, i would get upset and probably cry while trying my best to justify the situation. so where’s the good in that, right? sigh, i just hate this feeling. i want our relationship to get better, but my fucking pride is as huge as yours and we both won’t back down until we win — as proven from past experiences. it gets tiring though, feeling upset and not wanting to lose because the triumphant look on your face really… irks me. i know, i know, forgive and forget, but that’s easier said than done. i don’t even know anymore (read — God help me).

anyway, it’s the first week of school and i feel scared already. i want to do well or at least be mediocre, but fuck it’s not even easy to be mediocre when you are at the bottom of this academic race bullshit. the worst thing is when the people you call close friends tell you their results just so that they can compare themselves to you (read — downward social comparison). even worse still, when they clearly do not put in enough effort and are shocked by how well they do regardless. sometimes i spend so much time in my head asking God what’s the fucking point of living and studying, when i clearly cannot handle or do well in both. really, God, what’s the point? i don’t even know why i’m in this place or why You would make me or why You haven’t taken me back or sent me to hell or just, i don’t know. life feels so purposeless and this shouldn’t be the case but the fact of the matter is that i don’t know how to live right i don’t know how to function i don’t want to live.

i wish i did, though.

leave while you still can. leave before i become emotionally attached and you’d be obliged to stay. leave while i still am holding myself back. leave, leave just leave before you regret getting close. please leave because i can’t. leave because you deserve so, so much better and because i cannot be better for you. leave while you still can, my friend. i don’t want you to be tied down by obligations. it’s a bigger, better world out there, away from me.

side note: i won’t know if you won’t tell me. i can’t read you well enough. sometimes getting close scares me away. or maybe it’d scare you away. my god, my head is a mess again.

she’s giving everything to numb the burns
addicted to losing the fight
\
i wanna touch the northern lights
we could leave the world behind
i wanna know what it’s like
to walk away from this life

the art of unloving is hard to master

people often think that the one who breaks things off is the one who doesn’t love much and shouldn’t be the victim. but, i must admit, it’s been rough. 2017 was a year i either jammed pack my weekly schedule or completely avoided contact with people. there was no in between. there were days i find myself rendered incapable of interacting with others and i spent those days on my bed under my blanket desperate to feel a tad bit of warmth (which was so much easier back when you would hug me). i wish i could say that i am the least bit affected, that i am fully capable of breaking hearts without flinching, of walking away and never looking back at all. i know i made you believe i was completely alright with that break up (with immediate effect), but really, it was goddamn hard to walk away. i want to detach without hesitation, i want logic over emotions, i want mind over matter. or do i just want to love without having to run away?

soft, vulnerable, trusting and just so, so pathetic. how prideful it was of me to cut you off so quickly and harshly, without considering your feelings. or maybe i did, because it’s better to cut things off cleanly than to still have remnants of feelings for each other and to be tangled in this stupid bullshit feeling we call love. i don’t want to be me i don’t like me i want to leave people and things that make me sad, i want to not feel so pathetically alone after leaving. what’s the point in leaving when you end up being the one who feels alone? what’s the fucking point, tong?

i keep reminding myself of all the bad in you so i will never see any good, because then it’d easier to not look back. i don’t need you because i’ve been told i deserve better. but really, who the fuck gets to decide what is better. perhaps, you deserve better, after all, i did blatantly tell you that “there is a very thin line between loving, and being possessive. and the fact of the matter is that they are not synonyms of each other.” as one of the reasons to break up. so maybe i deserve this. i have to admit that it is painful at times to be reminded of the fact that i was just a rebound. tong, you’re just pathetic, really, falling for whoever shows a tiny bit of love.

isn’t it stupid how being soft is romanticized in the world now? “do not let the world harden your heart” and all that bullshit about being kind, gentle, loving, soft and vulnerable? but what’s the use of being soft; soft ultimately means being stepped all-fucking-over, being emotionally invested yet abandoned when the time calls for it.

this christmas, i was told that the extent to which i think and feel deeply for others is extraordinary and God-given. there were so many days in 2017 i spent wishing to be colder and less empathetic. i don’t see the good in feeling so much for others, to always be the one who is more emotionally invested. just this once, i want to be the one who loves less, who cares less, who gets fucked over less. i don’t mean being insincere, i just want to feel less instead of feeling in extremes.

just for once, i want to be able to hold back and resist telling people i love them, that i appreciate them, that they matter so much to me, that they make the world a less cruel place for me. for once, i don’t want to be vulnerable because it just backfires every s i n g l e time and it makes me think i do not have the capacity to love someone without scaring them.

i feel that i am destined to observe, never experience.

why did you have to talk to me? why ask if we can be friends when you have fully moved on without looking back less than half a year later? you clearly moved on within the short span of 5 months and the scariest part is that 4 months into the post break up, you still wanted me back. so really, what the fuck is this; if you meant to confuse me, you did it well. why tell me that you really loved me during the time we were together when your actions clearly prove otherwise? why try to fix things when there is nothing to fix at all? be friends because you have someone else to love already? i don’t know how to deal with this mess because i know i’ve moved past you and i just, want to be able to resist falling in love with anyone from 2018 onwards.

all i know is that it makes me miserable to live this way, and the people who promised to stay eventually leave. there is nothing poetic or beautiful or worth romanticizing — being soft only leaves me crushed by the weight of all the lives of people who are unable to handle me.

glassy eyes

is it so much of a flaw to be constantly held back by all the good i see in people? i know it seems that i portray a blatant — or, selective — ignorance and glaze over all the bad parts. but isn’t that how life is supposed to be, to focus on the good because it makes you happy and to overlook the bad because of all the negativity it brings? i hate how it is so natural for me to search for the good in people despite the moments they do bad, disappointing things; i just want to believe that people are innately good even when i know the opposite is most often true.

clichés are clichés for a reason — they hold truths in them. and as it goes, nobody is perfect, we are all humans and humans make countless of mistakes. so why is it so wrong for someone to disappoint, to err, to be crazy-suicidal-fucking-drunk in one night?

i thought about it and the glaring conclusion is that it is never easy to see the good in bad situations. the bad is always so big so huge so gigantic it overshadows any tiny bit of good, and when something is big, we (subconsciously) focus on it. when you are the one troubling others and they focus on you — the unmistakeable flaw of the night — they will not remember to see the times you were a better person, the times you tried to cross oceans for them (and maybe, almost drowned), or even when you cared so much with your whole goddamn heart.

i’m sorry it was too much i’m sorry i was or am too much and maybe i went to far but what is too far, really? it feels like i’m losing myself again or perhaps i never wanted to face the fact that i never did get better. maybe there is no “again” in this, maybe i have always been in stuck in here and maybe it is true that you cannot save people when you have always been drowning struggling. the hardest part about drowning is when you struggle because the harder you struggle, the more you want to stay alive, the more you fight and gasp for air, the easier it is for diaphanous waters to blanket over your head. sometimes, when you try to lift your eyes and look past the thin, film-like, translucent water, you see light bouncing on its surface and it makes you nervous. unlike the darkness that surrounds you within deep waters.

and the scariest part? you sink and settle in and really, it gets comfortable in hell, too.

 

(“we won’t die from this” playlist)

baby you’re the best

IMG_1083

our “meet up soon” from 6 years ago finally, finally happened. i thought it would be an awkward catch up and that we wouldn’t talk much, considering how much has happened between the both of us. i’m so glad that when we talked today, we could laugh over immature feelings. it’s funny how the 4 of us were in that stupid… love square. come to think of it, it’s hilarious how we all loved so hard and so much without a care in the world and almost hurt each other. or maybe we did. but i’m thankful we are past that. thank you so much baby for moving past that period of time, i’m so happy to be friends with someone as vibrant and beautiful as you. you dear one, are a precious individual i will never want to lose again. may 2018 be filled with lots of love and less drama for you, cutie. baby i’ve missed your hugs, you are one of the few people in my life who is my safe space.

shut fucking down

i have been thinking quite a bit after getting back from cambodia, and things have been happening too. i spend so much time in my own head and sometimes it’s tiring. i don’t know how to stop my thoughts i don’t know how to think moderately — it’s either i do, or don’t. i hate being in this perpetual shut down or overload mode because i exhaust myself. i wish i knew how to stop… wanting to die. to be honest, i don’t even know if it’s me wanting to die, or if it’s just me not knowing how to be alive. it’s so painful and unbearable at times i wish i could disappear forever.

so 3 days ago i was at baptism and it really awed me how some people have so much faith… and it seemed so simple. a thought crossed my mind then and at that point in time (while i was listening to someone’s testimony), a tiny part of my heart caved and i wished i had a child-like faith in God. some days i really have no idea how far away i am from God; He feels so far away i wish i could… feel Him with me. i wish i can stop wanting to die or at least have a desire to be alive. to like being alive, instead of this… feeling. or unfeeling. or, i don’t even know. it gets so lonely some nights i can’t fall asleep and i can’t concentrate and it feels like i am living my life from a third person’s point of view. it gets so exhausting. i talked about having a midlife crisis and my father told me i was crazy because i’m only 20, but honestly, right now being 20 feels more midlife than ever. three quarter life. i’m just so done.