ironically, at the precipice of age twenty-seven, i am not experiencing my best life or being the best version of myself. instead, i am remembering reliving the mental scramble from ages fifteen to twenty-four.

the rug got pulled from under your feet? why did you even step on the rug in the first place? or if you wanted to step on it, why give someone the power to pull it from under you?

were you proud of yourself when you had three full years of mental calm and peace? did you think you were healed or getting better? get your head out of your ass before it’s too late and you crumble further.

not again

all you need is just one thing to push you over the edge. aaand there we go again.

the worst things in life come free to us.

it’s always going to be my fault. maybe i’ll never be better or good enough. maybe i’ll always be left behind. maybe what i thought was all the good i could experience was just a lie.

i caused this. i cannot blame anyone else.

it feels like the rug beneath my feet has been tugged away so quickly and i’m losing my balance, flailing my arms as i slip. but no one notices. my body is reacting the only way it knows how and i know full well i will lose myself, it’s just a matter of time. 3 times in 48 hours — if that’s not cause for concern, i don’t know what is. three years ago i managed to leave my trigger and got so much better. but of course everything fucks up in the grand scheme of things and nothing is made to last for me. maybe i am really that undeserving.

*

then again, who was the one who tugged it away like you meant nothing?

it’s been a crazy night. i had a panic attack after almost 3 years. this time it was different (but then again, every episode is different in its own way; just a recurring theme of i feel like i’m about to pass out and die). i had to talk to chat to try and calm me down but that didn’t work quickly enough. my last resort was a cold shower to shock myself back to reality and it worked for just that little while. the feeling came back again when i was out of the shower and boy did it take long for it to go away.

*edited: 5:45am*

i woke up to my heart racing and feeling like i’m on high alert. i tried to go back to sleep but i couldn’t and the feeling just kept taking over. i haven’t had an episode last so long and this time it scares me. what if it means i need to be medicated? or if i have to remove triggers? i want to remove myself from everywhere entirely. maybe the bottomline is i am my trigger.

everything’s okay if you talk it out. everything’s okay if you talk it out. everything’s okay if you talk it out.

repeat it once more before it gets all blurry and you feel worse.

everything’s okay if you talk it out.

don’t you worry, it ain’t the end of the world.

Protected:

This content is password-protected. To view it, please enter the password below.

Password:

in all the crazies…. what am i truly worth?

i think i’ll never know.

after a period of not writing/typing my thoughts out, i was reading through old posts and realised how decently well i used to write. do i have to feel that sad to be able to string words together so coherently (on good days)? perhaps it’s the truth. and here’s another truth, i feel myself slipping back to old patterns again.

just watched 613 days go down the drain. they tell you growth and healing don’t follow a linear path but at this rate it feels like it, just making a permanent path underground.